


a shitpost in an unforever number of parts

by fireflyfall



Series: the far too many self-insert aus, the infinite electric boogaloo [1]
Category: Danny Phantom, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Homestuck, Naruto, 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia, 名探偵コナン | Detective Conan | Case Closed, 怪物事変 | Kemono Jihen (Manga)
Genre: Angst, SO, Self-Insert, all the self-inserts, but usually itll probably be shitty humor or angst, content varies depending on the character, tw's/cw's in the beginning notes of each chapter, update im pretty sure this deserves the angst tag at this point
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:41:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 10,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24889312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fireflyfall/pseuds/fireflyfall
Summary: Where I will post snippets of self-inserts that are just plot bunnies I can't shake or entertaining enough that they have been officially cleared to leave the deep, dark recesses of what most people will call a 'Google Docs'. This depends entirely on my mood and current fandom of obsession, so some may be single-scene one-shots while others might be vaguely continuous.The Latest Shitpost:(Detective Conan)There’s a new student barely a month into the first term. His clothes are ridiculously fancy for asix year-old’s,though they’ll give him kudos for style. His glasses are fake as shit, which is obvious after three seconds of observing the lack of distortion in the lenses. His name is Edogawa Conan, and the class laughs at it just as they had Mitushiko’s little slip-up.What the hell have I gotten myself into,they quietly despair, even as they know there is no world in which any of this is their fault.
Series: the far too many self-insert aus, the infinite electric boogaloo [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1703044
Comments: 73
Kudos: 114





	1. Lil Cal

**Author's Note:**

> if a particular au gains enough traction i might properly write it. idk. again, it rly just depends on my mood tbh
> 
> also! i am like super inconsistent w things like trigger warnings so if you ever feel like a chapter needs one of those, or an addition to the tws, dont hesitate to tell me!!! please and ty!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Homestuck)
> 
> You are _not_ happy about your current situation. Bro Strider, however, seems perfectly content to have an innocent human soul trapped in his creepy puppet.
> 
> To be fair, he used to have to deal with the demonic amalgamation that once resided there.

_ AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- _

“God,  _ shut the fuck up, _ ” the man snaps at you, and you immediately stop screaming. Then he stops, too, and stares at you.

You stare back. Nothing else you can really do, to be honest. Also- did he just  _ fucking hear you. _

“Did you actually listen to me?” he says, and though his tone is flat you think it might actually be meant in an incredulous context.

You blink. Because that is a thing you can do, for some reason.  _ You can hear me??? _

“Did you seriously just ask me that question.”

_ Uhm, YEAH? Like dude the fuck. Do you always hear the thoughts of sentient dolls or what because lemme tell you being one isn’t fucking fun. I’ve been in this accursed fuckin’ body for a few hours and its fucking hell. _

He stares at you. And stares.

You blink back at him a few times for good measure.

“You’re not Lil’ Cal.”

That sends a cascade of metaphorical ice cubes down your spine - uh. Dolls don’t have spines, uh-  _ soul??? _ Soul spine???

_ I. Lil’ Cal. _ You stare at him.  _ Lil’. Fucking. Cal. _

“Yes. Lil’ Cal. Somethin’ wrong with that?”

_ Oh my fucking gods I’m in the dEMON PUPPET’S BODY?!? _

The man snorts. “Apt.”


	2. Hatake Kakashi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Naruto)
> 
> It's barely been five minutes (they think, they lost track for a little bit there) and they've already killed a man. Shit. Fuck. Shit fuck crap crap crap shit fuck fuckinggods _dammit-_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i havent gotten to writing the first section of this scene, so this is just the (very) immediate aftermath.
> 
> also  
>  **tw for blood and murder**
> 
> (though lets be honest theres ALWAYS blood and murder in naruto. especially murder kgfhs kinda a given w an entire ass assassinators for hire village)

They’re terrified and confused ( _but mostly scared out of their fucking mind_ ) and _they don’t know what the fuck they’re supposed to do._ Clearly, the only reason they’ve survived the past few minutes thus far is pure luck and their fortuitous muscle memory, because they have _no idea_ how the _fuck_ they managed- that.

Their heart pounds like jackrabbiting war drums in their chest, their ears their _throat_ their fingers- their body is too hot, only just cooling down from feverish panic and it’s a fucking miracle they haven’t started hyperventilating at this point. 

That- their immediate, instinctive reaction to a _threat_ was to _go in for the kill._ Distressed and disorientated as they were, there’s no way that was anything other than instinct and reflex.

The man is dead on the ground. Their thoughts are _racing_ in a spiral of panic and _oh god oh fuck_ and _i just killed someone._ Their vision is hazy, like there’s a somewhat opaque white film over it, and everything they’re seeing also feels _distant_ and oh damn is this disassociating? They think they might be disassociating, but they kind of doubt it even though it’s likely given the circumstances and anyways that’s not important right now.

They slide their gaze from the blank eyes of the body to the… something, likely a knife, in their hand. Dark red and metal grey - they can’t see much, it’s too blurry. They try to focus their vision - doesn’t work, the strain is just this side of _uncomfortable_ enough to start bleeding into _painful._

Fuck, that’s bad. The white-fog vision blur has only ever happened once before, and the stressors then were _far_ milder than this. They squeeze their eyes shut for a few seconds, and open them again. Repeat. After a dozen or so repetitions, they close their eyes gently and rapidly move their eyes around in their sockets, as if glancing around but with their eyes closed.

Open their eyes. Their vision isn’t so bad, now - they can focus on objects, at least.

Red drips off what has to be a kunai, a deeper shade than they’d have thought blood to be but rich and intense in hue; the brighter red they’d expected stands stark against pale ( _pale? No, that’s_ wrong, _their skin isn’t paper fucking caucasian white it’s supposed to be tanner than that-)_ the inexplicably _pale_ skin of their arm.

A drop of warmth slides down their face. It’s not tears (though they might be close to fucking crying, holy shit they just _killed a man_ ) and when they wipe it off on their elbow - their hands are a little too bloody - it comes away smeared with more red.

They’ve always thought blood to be beautiful - pretty, vibrant in color and the liquid almost jewel-toned. Such a shame, that the image of it can only be conjured with violence and harm and bloodshed and death.

The child laughs. There’s no one around to hear them, judge them for sounding like a fucking lunatic for laughing right after _killing a man_ with their tiny, too-small babyish hands that are _dwarfed_ by the deadly, bloody kunai in their hand, so it’s okay. They laugh and laugh away the tightness in their throat, their chest; restrained at first, like laughing quietly, despaired, in the comforting dark and closeness of their closet, but abandoning control over it when they see no one, hear no one - it’s just them, here.

Them and the body of a man who was alive just minutes ago.

To be fair, though, he _had_ tried to kill them first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ive been feelin like writing a naruto fanfiction lately (probably bc ive been READING a lot of naruto fanfiction lately). maybe if i can come up with a solid premise and enough substance for one.
> 
> theres this idea i had in which the whole uchiha clan (including sasuke and obito, minus itachi and madara [because fuck madara and i think hes dead at that point anyways]) time travels back to a week before shisui's death. the uchihas scare the living bejeezus out of poor thirteen year-old itachi before they realize he doesnt know SHIT rn and start plotting how the fuck to stop them all from getting murdered lmao. sasuke has come back from... id say probably like post naruto canon? like after defeating kaguya and everything, and so has obito. shisui is just wondering what the FUCK happened and why hes still alive. what do u think?? might write it at some point, if i ever get around to actually properly watching/reading naruto lol


	3. Harry Potter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Harry Potter)
> 
> The Sorting Ceremony... somehow does _not_ go as planned, yet at the same time meets every single one of their expectations and beyond.
> 
> In that the Hat is an oddly persuasive, mind-reading little shit, they mean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> harry potter si au! ive always loved writing out sorting scenes for harry pltter si's. its just fun to analyze a character and try to figure out where they might go, yknow?

_Ravenclaw, please,_ they think, trying to force the thought into the form of words.

_Oh, there’s no need to do that,_ the Hat says. _I can understand you perfectly fine the way you think. Hardly everyone thinks in internal monologue, after all._

Oh. Well. That’s nice of the Hat. Makes sense, too.

_You’re welcome. Now, you said you wanted to be in Ravenclaw?_

_Yes._

Yes, they _have_ to be in Ravenclaw. Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff, but they hardly think that Hufflepuff would fit them as well as Ravenclaw. House of the stubborn and loyal and fair - they’re none of those in great measures but stubborn. Ravenclaw, they could be a bookworm and a loner all they fucking wanted, powering through their checklist of problems that need taking care of (hopefully) without interference from other nosy kids, and it’d be just _fine._ Probably.

_Oh dear, but do you really want to just…_ diminish _yourself like that?_ it says, a somewhat disproving, persuading but gentle tone to its voice. (It? They? Does the Hat care for pronouns?) _‘It’ should do just fine, thank you. I am not undermining Ravenclaw, of course - it is as wonderful a house as all the other three - but it just wouldn’t be good for you, now would it?_

Doesn’t really matter; they have priorities, and their social life is _not_ one of them. Gods know that the entirety of Wizarding Fucking Britain won’t care about their emotional state if it stops them from defeating Voldemort.

_You could be great in the other two houses, you know,_ it tells them. _They would give you more connections; friends would make your goals easier to handle, don’t you think? Gryffindor and Slytherin both would do you good, take you places, make you great. You know this._

But they can’t. They don’t _want_ to be in Gryffindor, make all Slytherins and _Snape_ hate them on fucking principle - but Slytherin would make them a stranger to all in Gryffindor, and then there’s the Chamber of Goddamn Secrets debacle. They can’t. Neither is any good.

_That just means you’ll have to work harder for the future you desire, doesn’t it? And the easy path is not always the one that leads to success, you know._

They grip the edge of the stool tighter. _I can’t. I can’t I can’t I_ can’t. _I’m not him. I’m not_ Harry. _I can’t do it._

_You can. From what I understand, Harry Potter started from scratch - you have a hand up on him, really._

_I fucking_ can’t. _I’m pathetic and I have social anxiety and paranoia and shit I can NOT._

_You_ can, the Hat presses. _You just don’t believe in yourself enough. You can do great things - but isolating yourself in Ravenclaw will help you none. Nor will hiding away in Hufflepuff. No, you’ll have to go into Gryffindor or Slytherin._

They frown, because it _does_ make sense, but can’t help letting out the mental equivalent of an indignant huff - because whatever the fuck happened to free choice from the first book?

_You might argue, but I know deep down you_ want _me to choose for you. I can see into your head, young one, and that includes the thoughts you half don’t even realize you’re drowning out with your doubt._

Right. Psychoanalysis, now, because evidently with access to their head the Hat can understand them better than even they understand themself.

_Oh, don’t be like that. I know you’ll accept whichever house I put you in. Because you have the_ drive _to make the best of it, no matter where you end up._

...Okay. Fine. Whatever. It’s not wrong. _So what’s the diagnosis, doc?_

_I know exactly where I’ll put you. You might disagree at first, but you’ll do well in-_

“SLYTHERIN!”

Oh.

(Dead silence.)

Oh.

(Too curious not to look, they open their eyes.)

Oh, _gods._

(They regret it the second they see the shocked faces of- _everyone._ )

No one says a word. Their hands are clammy with sweat, nervous tingles fading faintly in and out of their hands, body.

( _Get up on three,_ they tell themself forcefully. _Three. Two. One._ )

They stand, and with a final impression of _goodbye,_ Harry gently ( _stiffly_ ) lifts the Hat off their head and holds it out to Professor McGonagall.

“Thank you,” they say, a touch too quiet, and in a way they’ve had practice with for years now, take an inaudible breath to steel themself-

They only barely stop themself from jolting violently when someone starts clapping in the quiet. A glance tells them it’s Dumbledore - and with his applause comes everyone else’s after, and it’s a little easier to brace themself and walk towards the Slytherin table.

Well. _Walking_ to it is the easy part. Finding a seat to sit in with preferably no human interaction is much harder. They never really perfected that specific art, especially since they didn’t have much chance to over the last decade or so. Fucking Dudley.


	4. Sai

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Naruto)
> 
> They used to think their life was terribly boring, before ROOT. Now, they'd give nearly _anything_ to go back to how things were - boring, ninja-less civilian life and all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **tw: mentions of suicide/indifference to death**
> 
> (yeah. ROOT isn't exactly great on the psyche.)

They can barely remember what it’s like to see the sun.

Artificial lighting only goes so far, and it’s too risky for agents to be caught in the village without a cover unless masked and on a mission. So, naturally, the caves are where they stay. It’s strange to think that they once had skin which might, even vaguely, be considered sun-kissed.

Nowadays they swear they can see their veins clear through their skin, as if the pallid organ stretched over their squishy insides is nothing more than a less opaque sheet of rice paper, wrapped tightly around their meat packaging and other, far more delicate organs.

Their frailty is a trick, though. As much as they might sometimes feel as if sheer denial and spite are the only things keeping their paper-mache psyche from crumpling in on themself and just- _giving up_ (suicide is selfish, but only when there are people who would _care_ and _no one cares here,_ all they are here is an asset among countless others), they are well aware of their ( _unnatural_ ) proficiency with the kunai; of all the dozens of ways they could, in the future, use a careful application of chakra to kill with nothing more than the simplest of objects.

It would be too easy. It _was_ too easy.

(ROOT starts their desensitization lessons early. How early, compared to the Academy, they do not know; but they _do_ know that the age _they_ first saw a living being slaughtered before their very eyes was most certainly way too fucking early. You don’t purposely expose kids barely out of toddlerhood to that kind of shit.

You don’t make a child kill an animal at the age they would just be starting at the Academy. You don’t make a _child_ kill another _human being_ when other shinobi-in-training their age aren’t even genin yet.

  
They hate Danzou. They can’t _wait_ for him to finally keel over and fucking die.)

It’s fine, though. (It’s _not_ fine - everything is so beyond fine that such platitudes are all they can afford themself, now.) They’ll get out, eventually - they swear it. They _swear_ they will.

  
They don’t think they’ll mind if they die trying, instead - it’s an acceptable alternative to _staying_ for the rest of their damned life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They aren't *quite* aware that they're Sai, yet. They think they're just another nameless face in the ROOT crowd, and for the moment, there's nothing that would prove to them otherwise.


	5. Psiioniic (post-scratch ancestors recurring dreams au)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Homestuck)
> 
> They dream of being someone else - someone not even remotely themself, not in any conceivable capacity.
> 
> It turns out, that 'someone' - those _'someones'_ , actually, plural - are a bunch of fucking trolls. Literal adult Homestuck trolls.
> 
> ...This is going to be a _Thing,_ isn't it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'll probably write other parts to this au, actually, because the way this one works is that the SI has recurring dreams of mind-sharing with _all_ the post-scratch ancestors. (and yeah, i call the troll sessions pre-scratch and post-scratch because people have varying opinions on which ones are the betas and which are the alphas.)

You are the ship. You can fly across solar systems and galaxies, all under your own power - all of this, all of this is _you,_ and your control expands so much farther than you knew it could.

You are trapped. You cannot leave this room, can’t even move a single fucking _step,_ and you never will; you are stuck here always, for eternity - for as long as she lives, you do, too.

You are in awe. You are filled with hatred. You are so much, yet you are so _weak._

You are afraid.

You are resigned.

You are-

* * *

They wake up.

Slowly, they open their eyes, blinking sluggish and drowsy. They stare at the wall, remembering their dream, dragging its vague events from their memory.

...Okay. It’s one of those weird ones, then. Lowkey terrifying, too (because _damn_ were those emotions raw), but mostly just weird.

Something about the dream tickles at their thoughts with recognition - a strange deja-vu, like having a word you _should_ know lingering at the tip of your tongue, but being unable to recall it exactly - and for a frustrating moment, they chase after it, trying to figure out what it is.

It passes, though, as they give up, deciding they won’t be able to puzzle it out no matter how hard they think. With great effort, they push themself up, awake enough that even with the weight of sleep in their bones, they aren’t so eager to fall back into sleep.

Homework isn’t going to do itself, and math is gonna be a _bitch_ with all those problems to puzzle out. Best to get a head-start now, even if they don’t like it.

* * *

_Drip. Drip. Drip._

Your eyes are already open, but only now is it that you notice what is before your physical body, as well as everything going on in your head - information from all over the ship, every camera, every program, every bit of machinery powered by _you_ \- every nook ( _hah_ ) and cranny accessible to the system of the Battle Condescension ( _you-not-you, the ship is you you are the ship, you hate this you hate being the ship - but it is still you_ ) is you. It’s all in your head, all of it accessible to you with merely a thought.

It’s a little overwhelming, but only if you think about it too much. Which you don’t, because you can already feel the phantom throb of a headache oncoming, and you don’t particularly want to deal with that.

_Oh. You’re back,_ something says, and somehow, you can tell that the message comes from not the expansive systems of the ship, but from your own mind.

_Me?_ you think, curious.

_Yes, you,_ it says- _he_ says, and you don’t know how you can tell, but you do. _Who/what/how are you?_

He’s not asking after your wellbeing, you know. A couple of names flash through your-his mind, unbidden, different emotions and experiences of your own behind each. There’s a flash of amusement with the bug association of your chosen name, quickly connected to the nature of his race. _Human,_ you think. _I don’t know how I’m here, but I am._

_Human?_ he says, puzzled-curious, and an impression of your knowledge on the terms flits through your-his mind. _Hah. You’re monkey-based?_

_You’re bug-based and didn’t even get the wings for it,_ you shoot back, lighting-quick as thoughts are, and the blooming feel of his amusement-delight-mirth is felt through your shared mind.

_You’re not terrible,_ the troll says, just as his-your attention quickly snaps onto the approaching figure of _her,_ heading towards the control room, where you-he are now. Tall, black highlighted with pink and gold, hair so voluminous and long it touches the floor; confident strides, and you can tell- _know,_ she ( _thinks she_ ) fucking owns this place and she knows it ( _no she doesn’t,_ **_she doesn’t own me_ ** _i am not hers, no fucking matter what_ ). She’s not close yet, but she will be soon.

_You should leave._

_Why,_ you ask, half already knowing the answer.

_Just go._

You half want to protest, want to stay to actually _see_ what’s going to happen, but you’re gone before the thought fully forms.

* * *

They wake up with sweaty palms and the memory of dripping water, thoughts faster than the human mind can comprehend, the damp scent of sea salt.

They still awake slowly, but quicker than usual - there is no lingering, drowsy urge to lean their head back into the pillows and go to sleep once more, just an hour or maybe half more. It’s impossible to go back to sleep.

Strips of predawn can be seen through their vertical window blinds when they turn to peer at the sky, trying to gauge the time. Unusual. They usually sleep far later than this.

They sit up, wiping their palms on their blankets and pajama pants, but a slight nervous sweat warms their hands again quickly.

That was a recurring dream. Usually, they wouldn’t be able to say that with absolute certainty, because they think sometimes their brain might trick them into thinking it’s a continuation of a previous dream when it isn’t, but this time... they’re sure. They know it is. They remember the night before this one clearly, after all.

Too clearly. The dream was so _vivid,_ both times, so clear and it’s puzzling. Their dreams are never _that_ lucid - never that easy to grasp and remember as if they were well and truly reality like their waking hours are.

Then there’s the fact that they dreamt of sharing a mind with a Homestuck troll.

...They’re not going to get into that. It probably doesn’t mean anything.


	6. Danny Fenton [1]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Danny Phantom)
> 
> dash was being an asshole, as per usual. no biggie, danny knows how to handle that.
> 
> but then dash pins them by the throat, which is just about the only place where danny absolutely cannot stand being attacked. naturally, they panic. violently.
> 
> danny walks out of casper middle school with detention, and two very concerned friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yall. i think ive moved from my homestuck phase into my danny phantom phase like holy shit u have no idea how many dp fanfictions ive read in the past two weeks- 2 weeks? yeah 2 weeks. so many. so MANY.
> 
> this is going to be exactly like naruto in that i absorb all my knowledge from ao3 and never actually watch the show itself isnt it
> 
> in other words have a danny fenton si. this was originally supposed to be an outline but its never just an outline. its never just a simple outline.
> 
> (also: dash got three detentions to danny's one, since this is middle school and the teachers do not give as much of a shit about football as they might in a high school. they still havent really curbed dash's assholishness, though.)
> 
> **TW: graphic description of death, blood**

after the incident with dash, sam and tucker ask him on the walk home what was up with that. it’s not as if danny hasn’t gotten worse before; they were basically just pushed against the lockers as per usual, just with a side dish of being trapped by throat instead of merely being shoved at the shoulders or chest. they didn’t even get hurt this time.

after careful deliberation, with some guilt sauce dribbled on top, danny decides to tell them an edited version of the truth.

“i’ll tell you tomorrow,” they say, looking down and forward at the sidewalk, not meeting their eyes. “or over text. today, i mean. whichever. just- not now.”

they tell them it’s fine, they all can come to school early and talk about it tomorrow. there’s no rush, they say, even though danny can tell they both want to know way sooner than tomorrow.

it’s probably so they can’t hide behind the screen and lie about being fine. they’re not sure how to feel about that.

at dinner, danny lies and says everything’s fine at school. they got a good grade on their test, homework’s slow this week; the works.

the test and homework aren’t even lies, actually. just that everything’s fine.

everything is definitely _not_ fine.

instead of working on homework, danny plans out the half-lie they’re going to tell their friends tomorrow morning. they try to stay as close to the truth as acceptable; it’s less to remember to lie about, less to be guilty for lying about.

the next morning, they tell their friends in quiet, halting sentences of the time eleven, almost twelve year-old danny fenton was jumped during a walk in the woods for his wallet, half-strangled with a fishing line until his assailant got what they wanted and left him there, in tears and gasping for breath, with smudges of blood on his fingers and tiny cuts at his throat.

they don’t tell them of the time a teenager drove to the local walmart at night, alone, wanting out of the damn house and a packet of oreos. they don’t tell them how the teenager parked at the side of the store, where there were always less cars and more open stalls and it was quieter and less visible from the front. they don’t tell them how they were jumped not ten steps after locking the car, how they struggled and struggled and it _hurt so much_ and the wire dug _into_ their flesh and they cut their fingers trying to get it _out._ it was dark and they couldn’t see it but there was blood, so much blood, their neck was on fire and their chest screamed in pain and their head was going to _explode-_

they don’t tell them how they tried to scream at first, but it _hurt_ so much they stopped just to spare themself the extra pain. they don’t tell them how it felt to have fishing lines like slices of fire in their throat, choking on their own blood and crying useless tears of agony. they don’t tell them how sticky and slippery and wet the blood was on their fingers, on their palms and their neck, _soaking_ the front of their shirt and grey jacket and sticking it to their skin.

they don’t tell them that was the night they died.

sam and tucker think that they were only choked and hurt a little, not _dying,_ but they look sufficiently horrified, anyways. tucker hugs them, and sam holds their hand tightly, hard enough that it almost hurts.

“why didn’t you tell your parents?”

after a few seconds’ hesitation, they say slowly that it didn’t seem that important after they’d sat there and stewed in it for a while. they weren’t hurt, _much,_ (at least so far as the two know,) and it’s not like they had a huge allowance or anything important in that wallet, anyways.

“ _dude,_ ” tucker says, astonished. sam looks like she wants to slap them. she settles for punching them in the arm, _hard._

“ _ow!_ ” they yelp, but don’t complain. honestly, they deserved that.

she yells at them that it’s not _nothing_ that they almost fucking _died_ at the hands of a dangerous person in the woods. what if they came back? what if danny was targeted _again?_ they could have _died,_ they almost _did_ die, HOW THE HELL IS THAT OKAY? WHAT IF THEY DIE THE NEXT TIME?!

tucker asks them, one hundred percent serious, if they want him to hack into the CCTV’s by the woods for that day and find out who the culprit was. he isn’t an expert, (not _yet,_ ) but he will definitely try. (and probably succeed, through sheer force of will if not anything else.)

danny’s about to fucking cry, for two entirely different reasons. (sam’s right, even though their story is half a lie and they hardly could have told their parents they’d _died,_ since they probably actually might do what they claimed they’d done and not tell anyways, and they feel fucking horrible for making their friends feel this way because of it. they’re also crying because holy shit, what did they do to deserve these two?) they say quietly, “i’m sorry” to sam, and “it’s okay, i don’t even remember when the exact date was, but thanks for asking,” and promise they’ll tell someone next time.

their friends want them to tell their parents. they frantically say _no,_ and hurriedly explain it away by saying that it’s a thing of the past, seriously it’s been over half a year already, there’s absolutely _no reason_ for them to tell their parents about it _now_ and freak them out for no reason.

tucker says it’s not “no reason”. sam _vehemently_ agrees. danny says they still think there’s no point. and besides, if the dude- person, whatever - was going to try to kill them again, then they would have done it by now. it’s not like danny saw their face.

that just launches them into another argument over how that means the person could be _anyone,_ and danny wouldn’t know until they tried to kill them again.

they only barely manage to convince sam and tucker into keep their silence on the issue.

(it’s only a year and a half later, at the beginning of freshman year, that danny finally tells them the truth. the _whole_ truth. kind of hard not to, when their ghost form has two death scars instead of one - lichtenberg figures, and lines of scarring across their fingers and throat.

sam and tucker are not pleased, but they are understanding; they definitely wouldn’t have believed the reincarnation thing before the ghost portal happened. danny cries over it all over again; their friends are way too good for them.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> danny died of strangulation via fishing line during their past life. yes danny is agender, all my self inserts are (except the old ones).
> 
> (despite confiding in their friends abt their reincarnation, they definitely have no plans to tell sam and tucker about knowing future events via a cartoon show that they never actually watched. does that mean things pan out that way???? fuck to the hell no lmao)


	7. Danny Fenton [2]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Danny Phantom)
> 
> Danny "trips" and "accidentally" turns on the portal, only you can't tell because it's chatfic style.
> 
> **Tucker**  
>  _it turned on and everything? the portal activated?_  
>  **Me**  
>  _yeah_  
>  **Tucker**  
>  _so it ACTUALLY WORKS???_  
>  **Me**  
>  _yeah, it does now_  
>  **Tucker**  
>  _HOLY SHIT HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE_  
>  **Me**  
>  _i_  
>  _yeah uh see thats the thing_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you cant tell i am not great at writing chatfics with more than two people talking at a time. sorry sam you can have your turn on the freakout next time [shrug]

**Sam and Tucker**

**Me**

_im gonna go check out the portal_

**Sam**

_I thought you said it didnt work?_

**Me**

_well YEAH but im still gonna check it out_

_didnt really get a good look at it before_

**Sam**

_why???_

**Tucker**

_dude_

_how could you not already know what it looks like_

_your parents have been working on that thing for YEARS_

**Me**

_WELL YEAH but they were always WORKING on it. not finished. WORKING on it._

_wouldnt even let us near it most of the time tbh_

_and this is the finished product were talking abt here and ngl its pretty cool even if it doesnt work_

**Sam**

_If you say so_

**Me**

_brb ill tell yall if i find anything cool_

**Sam**

_I doubt you will_

_But sure_

_Ive got summer homework to do, you two have fun_

_Im muting the chat_

**Me**

_sure, we will :)_

[6 minutes later]

**Tucker**

_did you find anything?_

**Me**

_its dark as shit in here_

**Tucker**

_sometimes when you swear i get whiplash_

**Me**

_ha :)_

_typing w my nose bc gloves suck_

**Tucker**

_gloves???_

**Me**

_yes_

_hazmat_

**Tucker**

_ohhh_

_youre seriously wearing that_

**Me**

_yes_

_its a fuckn portal of ecto stuff_

_maybe dangerous_

**Tucker**

_you said the portal doesnt work_

**Me**

_better safe than sory_

**Tucker**

_sory_

**Me**

_shut_

**Tucker**

_no :)_

**Me**

_fuk u_

_n e way_

_its pretty deep_

_portal i mean_

**Tucker**

_deep???_

**Me**

_like a tunnel in the wall_

_but theres no other side_

**Tucker**

_cool_

_how far does it go???_

**Me**

_m abt to find out_

[3 minutes later]

**Tucker**

_hey danny whats your status_

[2 minutes later]

**Tucker**

_danny?_

[1 minute later]

**Tucker**

_dude are you ignoring me or did something happen?_

_danny_

_danny_

_daaaaaannyyyyy_

[1 minute later]

**Tucker**

_is this your idea of a joke because if so its not a very good one_

[1 minute later]

**Tucker**

_danny, seriously, this isnt funny_

[1 minute later]

**Tucker**

_im calling you_

**Me**

_NP_

_NO_

**Tucker**

_oh my god youre ok_

_fuck_

_why didnt you answer my texts?!_

**Me**

_dint call_

_dont_

**Tucker**

_ok youre clearly not ok_

_why?_

**Me**

_dont_

_please_

_just. dont_

**Tucker**

_what the hell happened danny_

**Me**

_i_

_fuck_

_fuck i dnot even know_

_this is fucking crazy its a clusterfuck and i-_

_i dont know what to do_

**Tucker**

_calm down_

_start from the beginning_

_what happened?_

**Me**

_okay_

_okay_

_so_

_i went into the portal_

_like i said i would_

**Tucker**

_yeah, you were still texting me at that time, remember?_

**Me**

_oh_

_yeah i was wasnt i_

_so yeah i was texting you_

_and then i said hey lets go deeper in and see whats on the other side_

_and then i_

_tripped_

_on a wire or something i think it was a bunch of wires or some shti_

_and then i..._

_fuck._

**Tucker**

_and then what happened?_

**Me**

_and then i_

_tried to steady myself on the wall._

_catch myself on the wall i mean_

_and then. there was a button._

_there was a fucking button in the middle of the fucking portal tucker_

**Tucker**

_what button_

**Me**

_a fuckign on button_

**Tucker**

_wait_

_wait so_

_please dont tell me you pressed the button_

**Me**

_i did_

**Tucker**

_WHILE YOU WERE INSIDE???_

**Me**

_yeah_

**Tucker**

_it turned on and everything? the portal activated?_

**Me**

_yeah_

**Tucker**

_so it ACTUALLY WORKS???_

**Me**

_yeah, it does now_

**Tucker**

_HOLY SHIT HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE_

**Me**

_i_

_yeah uh see thats the thing_

**Tucker**

_danny dont joke about this_

_this is fucking serious_

_you turned on the portal WHILE YOU WERE INSIDE IT? please tell me youre lying_

**Me**

_no_

_im not_

_seriously, i... dont know what happened?_

_but i uh_

_okay so im kind of glowing_

**Tucker**

_what._

**Me**

_and i keep falling through things, like the floor_

_and my hair is fucking white for some reason and i_

_am pretty sure that i was not able to float last i checked???_

**Tucker**

_danny stop yanking my chain i know youre lying_

**Me**

_do you want to come over because im not fucking lying_

_seriously help i dont fucking know what to do_

**Tucker**

_okay_

_but im still calling bullshit on you_

_for the magical powers i mean not the portal opening. fuck, are you okay?_

**Me**

_unless the “magical powers” and glowy shit disappears in the next few minutes, i promise you will be eating your words when you get here_

_and i_

_i dont know_

_i think im okay_

_physically at least definitely_

_but. yeah._

**Tucker**

_ill be there in ten_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> he definitely ate his words when he got there.
> 
> (danny would take having to forcibly make their friends believe them over letting them stand witness to danny's death any day.)


	8. Insert Central (Chatfic)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **MODERATOR** (30 minutes ago)  
> So, first off, let’s start with this: You’re all “self-inserts” of the same person, just in different worlds. In other words, once upon a time, you were all the exact same person. Each of your “selves” branched off at different points in time to reincarnate in different universes.  
> I’m sure you understand what I’m saying. You all _have_ dabbled in the arts of self-insertion before, after all.
> 
> Now that we’ve gotten _that_ squared away, here’s the deal!
> 
> This is a chatting program for y’all “self-inserts”. That’s it. No strings attached. I’m not asking you to accomplish some nebuous or grand end goal for me, or any other such things, because gods know that all of you already have a whole lot of shit on your plates without me dumping anything else onto you.
> 
> . . .
> 
>  **US**  
>  OH MY GOD OH MY FUCKING GODS  
> FUCK YES  
> SWEET SWEET TECHNOLOGY OH HOW I HAVE FUKCING MISSED YOU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes this is a 100% self-inserts chatfic. i have zero impulse control, and i wrote this on a whim literally today. most of these self-inserts aren't even properly written, it's just that these are the ones that have a more solid image in my mind. have at it.
> 
> also I AM SO STOKED I FIGURED OUT HOW TO FORMAT COLORS ONTO AO3!!!! FUCK!!!!! _YES!!!!!!!!!!!!_ SO worth it.
> 
> username key:  
> terminallyCascading = gamzee makara (Homestuck, _cascade upside down_ )  
> TomatoFan = uchiha sasuke (Naruto)  
> antifame = harry potter (do i really have to say the fandom)  
> Insomniacat = shinsou hitoshi (BNHA)  
> spotlights-off = tsuburaya mitsuhiko (Detective Conan)

** #welcome **

Pinned messages

**MODERATOR** (30 minutes ago)

So, first off, let’s start with this: You’re all “self-inserts” of the same person, just in different worlds. In other words, once upon a time, you were all the exact same person. Each of your “selves” branched off at different points in time to reincarnate in different universes.  
I’m sure you understand what I’m saying. You all _have_ dabbled in the arts of self-insertion before, after all.  
  
Now that we’ve gotten _that_ squared away, here’s the deal!  
  
This is a chatting program for y’all “self-inserts”. That’s it. No strings attached. I’m not asking you to accomplish some nebuous or grand end goal for me, or any other such things, because gods know that all of you already have a whole lot of shit on your plates without me dumping anything else onto you.  
  
As you all stem from the same person, I trust that you have enough decency to know the rules. No hate speech, don’t be an asshole, yada yada yada. We’re all gay idiots here, so be nice. Swear as much as you want; I don’t care, and if you guys do then you should talk it out amongst yourselves. You all understand each other to some minimal degree, so I’m sure it’ll work out.  
  
You can change your usernames. They’re just set to your initials, at the moment. This is basically just a Discord ripoff, except no in-server nicknames or roles. Or mod permissions - I control all of those - and emojis. What with your creativity with emoticons, I’m sure you can all live without picture emojis. And, yes, you _can_ send files such as images, documents, videos, audio, and gifs. Online resources like links won’t work, though. If they do, it will only send them to the receiver’s in-universe version of that website, not yours.  
  
My advice would be to use this group chat to your advantage, however it might help with your endeavors in each of your worlds. Have fun!

* * *

** #general **

**GM**

sooooooo.............. what the motherfuck is going on here???

i mean i read the pinned message, course, so i get in _theory_ what’s happening, but uhhh.

**US**

OH MY GOD OH MY FUCKING GODS

FUCK YES

SWEET SWEET TECHNOLOGY OH HOW I HAVE FUKCING MISSED YOU

**GM**

lmao which universe did you come from???

**US**

Naruto

assuming you indeed _are_ the same person as me, i think youll get what i mean

**GM**

ah yes. ninja villages. with absolutely no modern technology to speak of.

**US**

until the Boruto generation that is

but thats not my concern right now since thats WAY far away

**GM**

oh valid...

**US**

how about you? which universe did you come from?

**GM**

homestuck

**US**

??????????

**GM**

oh i guess you’re a version of me that hasnt read homestuck yet

huh

**US**

what’s it about?

**GM**

so basically its a webcomic about- shit ok before we go off on THAT tangent actually lets finish talking about this gc

bc this will take a LONG time to explain, probably

**US**

understandable.

do you think the others just aren’t online, yet?

**GM**

probably

it might be that they aint all available right now

**US**

probably

so anyways since theyre not here yet how about we introduce ourselves

i’m sasuke! uchiha sasuke, in case you’ve forgotten.

**GM**

gamzee makara

given name, surname

**US**

it’s nice to meet you :)

or, well, again????

i guess????

since we technically used to be the same person???????

**GM**

ig????

this is so fuckin weird

**US**

mood

i’m going to change my username

**GM**

oh same actually ill change it to my default

**US**

i dont have one other than our old one, so gimme a sec to think of a new one haha

\-- **GM** changed their handle to **terminallyCascading** ! --

**terminallyCascading**

THERE we go

hmmm this still isnt exactly quite fuckin right though...

it needs a touch of...

**terminallyCascading**

color :o)

now THAT’S the motherfuckin’ shit!!!

\-- **US** changed their handle to **TomatoFan** ! --

**TomatoFan**

ooooohh, _nice._

i like it. maybe ill change my color, too...

scratch that im DEFINITELY changing my color lemme go look for one of those

**terminallyCascading**

take your time, my good broski

\-- **HP** changed their handle to **antifame** ! --

**antifame**

just to jump onto the bandwagon

**TomatoFan**

oh hewwo!!!!

**antifame**

hi im harry potter :)

and i fucking despise the fact that im famous, have i mentioned that?

**terminallyCascading**

f

**TomatoFan**

no, but i can see why

**antifame**

well, on the flip side, at least i get to access modern technology again.

i read through the chat history. how are you all?

**TomatoFan**

great! but also mildly anxious due to the upcoming massacre but that’s okay, i can handle it!!!

**antifame**

ah.

**terminallyCascading**

also great, ‘cept that im pretty messiahs-damned sure my timeline is doomed, which in shorthand means that me and all of my friends and the inhabitants of this timeline will die when this timeline is finally terminated due to the fact that it is useless to our universe

since our universe is composed of all the possible timelines that occur within it, but only one really matters and is the “alpha timeline,” and any other irrelevant timelines are labelled “doomed” and will eventually be ended/eradicated :o)

**antifame**

uh

wow

that’s

**TomatoFan**

heavy?

**antifame**

yeah that works

**terminallyCascading**

yeah thats about the gist of it

motherfuck, sorry. i’m already fuckin’ venting on you and it’s only been half an hour at most

**antifame**

no, no, its fine

**TomatoFan**

just be the same with us as we are with you and we’re all good!

**terminallyCascading**

right yeah okay

thanks

**antifame**

it’s no problem

shit i gotta go aunts calling

**TomatoFan**

ah, yes. aunt petunia.

bitchass.

**terminallyCascading**

bitchass in-fuckin-deed, sibling

**antifame**

p accurate

wish me luck bye

**TomatoFan**

byeeeeeee

**terminallyCascading**

good day to you, my rad friend-self!

k i think hes- they’re??? - gone

**TomatoFan**

well, i should probably go to sleep, too

training tomorrow

**terminallyCascading**

bluh, i forgot that you people probably have lives

**TomatoFan**

haha, it comes with being the clan spare.

**terminallyCascading**

i just live alone on a beach with my seagoat lusus - lusus is my culture’s equivalent of a parent, by the way, except they’re animals cuz why the fuck not i guess

**TomatoFan**

_??????_ culture?? ANIMALS????

**terminallyCascading**

like i said, long motherfucking story

i’ll explain it later

go to coon!!!

WAIT FUCK

**TomatoFan**

**_???????_ **

**terminallyCascading**

*sleep

goddamn it im too used to alternian terminology

which is a good thing i suppose

**TomatoFan**

i want to ask SO BADLY

but i guess it will have to wait

**terminallyCascading**

yeah

good night :o)

**TomatoFan**

gn!!! talk to you later!!!

* * *

** #general **

\-- **SH** changed their handle to **Insomniacat** ! --

**Insomniacat**

the ONE NIGHT i decide not to stay up late

and crazy shit like THIS happens

anyways im shinsou hitoshi they/them pronouns nice to meet yall

again i suppose

are all of the rest of you nonbinary, too???

**TomatoFan**

i’m actually comfortable being a boy, i guess?

but i think being nonbinary might be cool too...

idk i was still questioning when i died, so i’m not sure.

**Insomniacat**

maybe you’re a demiboy, then

**TomatoFan**

demiboy???

**Insomniacat**

long story short it means youre sorta a boy but sorta not. for example, if you’re a he/they. not fully male, but not _not_ masculine, either.

from what i understand anyways. i might be wrong.

**TomatoFan**

ohhhhh

that... that seems like it might fit?

**Insomniacat**

yeah wiki says it basically means you partially identify as a dude

**TomatoFan**

huh

i dunno, let me think on it.

he/him is okay for now, though.

\-- **TM** changed their handle to **spotlights-off** ! --

**Insomniacat**

gotcha.

oh, looks like we’ve got the last one.

**spotlights-off**

hi!!! i just got up

wont be able to stay long though because i have to go to kiddie school :/

**Insomniacat**

lol mood

**TomatoFan**

KIDDIE school??????

**spotlights-off**

yeah, KIDDIE school

like literally the only thing im learning there is how to write japanese!!! and really basic history i guess. everything else is bullshit like i learned this stuff ages ago come on

**Insomniacat**

oh thats a BIG mood

**TomatoFan**

cant say the same here. i’m learning COOL SHIT like how to throw shuriken and stuff >:)

**Insomniacat**

showoff

**spotlights-off**

unfaiiiirrrrrrr

**Insomniacat**

so you’re claiming the signature orange, then?

**spotlights-off**

might as well. i don’t have any major fun identifying colors like the rest of you do. i’m just a boring old kid with freckles what do you expect from me

**TomatoFan**

fair fair

i mean we have things like purple for shinsou, green for harry (the eyes, i assume), dark blue and/or red for the uchiha... idk why gamzee chose dark purple but i assume its important to them, since they chose it so quickly

**spotlights-off**

yeah, that makes sense

it’s their blood color

**TomatoFan**

UHM???? _BLOOD COLOR?????_

**Insomniacat**

LMAO

**spotlights-off**

oh so you really dont know ok then

**Insomniacat**

nope, sasukes not a homestuck lmfao

**TomatoFan**

i

i have

so many questions.

but i guess gamzee will explain soon huh

anyways which fandom/world are you from, spotlights???

**spotlights-off**

oh yeah

detective conan. i’m tsuburaya mitsuhiko, they/them; the freckled kid in conan’s class, if you forgot.

**Insomniacat**

ooh. i dont envy you.

**TomatoFan**

huh. i’m a little conflicted as to whether your situation would be worse to be in than mine, minus the massacre of course, but considering the fact that you’re functionally a normal six-year old kid, when everything happens... yeah. i think i’d rather be able to defend myself.

**spotlights-off**

ugh yeah

but i’m not in any great danger, unless things go south on shinichi/conan’s end, so.

wait shit is this group chat protected

the last thing i need is for someone to hack into my phone and see this conversation, fuck

**MODERATOR**

Yeah, it’s protected.

**Insomniacat**

wow ok hi then

**MODERATOR**

Hello!

**TomatoFan**

hello!

**MODERATOR**

Don’t worry about the security of this chat program. No one can access it but you guys; it’s keyed into your souls. Only those with your specific soulprints can access this chat; namely, that which has a template of your shared past self’s soul.

**spotlights-off**

okay, that’s not freaky at all

i mean no offense but

OKAY THAT’S NOT WEIRD AT ALL

**TomatoFan**

haha f

**MODERATOR**

You kind of _are_ the only one living in a normal world right now, so I suppose that reaction is to be expected.

**spotlights-off**

fuck thats true

**Insomniacat**

i mean, considering the ninja shit, the quirks shit, the homestuck shit, and the magic shit...

**spotlights-off**

thats one way to put it

**MODERATOR**

Though, there is magic in your world, too. Remember Pandora, and Akako?

**spotlights-off**

yeah ok true

i dont think ive properly processed this yet but ANYWAYS

so the security on this thing is top-notch, then?

**MODERATOR**

Yep!

Even if someone peeks at your screen, they won’t be able to process anything except for the fact that it’s a chatroom. Unless you want them to, of course.

**spotlights-off**

so explicit consent is needed for non-us people to see/understand this thing, then?

**MODERATOR**

Yep! It won’t stop them from getting suspicious on principle, though. That’s entirely on you.

That’s all I had to say. I’ll be taking my leave, now.

* * *

** #general **

**antifame**

so we never really got to full introductions

how about we start over again on that? since everyone’s online now!

**Insomniacat**

oh thats a good idea

ill go first then

**spotlights-off**

WAIT

**Insomniacat**

?

**antifame**

?

oh, thats wack

**Insomniacat**

we kind of _are_ the same person

sort of

**spotlights-off**

didn’t mod say that this is basically a ripoff discord? so we should be able to make more channels, right?

**antifame**

,,,,uh

**Insomniacat**

,,,,,,,,,,,,,oops.

**spotlights-off**

ill do that now then haha

**Insomniacat**

yeah you go do that

* * *

** #introductions **

Pinned messages

**spotlights-off**

everyone put your introductions here!!! say your name and/or what you would like to be called, pronouns, age if you’re comfortable, and what universe/world you are in. other information about yourself is okay, too!  
  
this channel is for introductions ONLY. any chatter can go in general or some other channel, but not this one.

* * *

** #introductions **

**spotlights-off**

hi! i’m tsuburaya mitsuhiko (surname, given name). call me mitsuhiko (other nicknames are welcome)! my pronouns are they/them. i was sixteen, and now i’m physically six years old. i’m from the detective conan universe. it’s nice to get to know you all! :)

**Insomniacat**

hi im shinsou hitoshi (surname, given name), boku no hero academia universe. just call me hitoshi. pronouns are they/them exclusively. was fifteen, currently thirteen. i adore cats. nice talking with yall.

**antifame**

i’m harry potter (given name, surname), they/them pronouns also. i’m fine with “harry”. you can guess which universe i come from. i’m currently ten, used to be fourteen. i eagerly await the day that hagrid finally comes and gets me out of this fucking hellhole. thank you for contributing to my desperate escape from reality until then

**TomatoFan**

hey!!! i’m uchiha sasuke (surname, given name), call me sasuke. he/they pronouns, but he/him is perfectly fine for now! i’ll tell you if i really want to be referred to as they/them on some days. i was fourteen, but right now i’m six. Naruto universe, of course. nice to meetcha!

**terminallyCascading**

heyyyy, motherfuckers :o) my name’s gamzee makara (given name, surname), and i’m agender, they/them pronouns only. “gamzee”s fine, nicknames are open. was fifteen and a half, now around eight years old. i’m an alien with purple blood, grey skin and candy corn colored horns; we’re called trolls. i’m from homestuck.  
nice to meet yall motherfuckers... honk :o)

* * *

**TomatoFan**

okay FIRST OF ALL

harry that is DEPRESSING i hope you know that

**antifame**

i pride myself on my internal snark

**TomatoFan**

thats not snark thats just being edgy

**antifame**

semantics

**TomatoFan**

anyways SECOND OF ALL

TROLLS???? _TROLLS????? **ALIENS?!?!?**_

GAMZEE, EXPLAIN YOURSELF RIGHT NOW.

**antifame**

yeah, i’m also curious about that...

**terminallyCascading**

wait, you dont know homestuck, harry?

**antifame**

no?

**terminallyCascading**

guess that makes some sense, bein fourteen and all

okay, so homsetuck

basically, it goes like this:

so there are these four kids right

human of course

they play a game

and it ends the world

**antifame**

what the FUCK

**TomatoFan**

well _that_ escalated fast

**terminallyCascading**

yeah sburb/sgrub is like that

that’s the name(s) of the game by the way

so they play the game, it ends the world, and the four kids get transported to this other solar system somewhere in space, called the Medium or the Incipisphere

yknow so they dont die with the rest of the world

theyre supposed to play the game to completion in order to win and earn the ULTIMATE REWARD, which is a whole new universe that they get to create and live in after defeating the final boss

but then... other shit happens.

a whole fucking lot of other shit.

now, cut to an entirely different universe: enter stage left, alternia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (can you tell that i physically Cannot write more than three characters talking at once)
> 
> fun fact: years of slowly creating a distinction between two different online personas makes cascade!gamzee sometimes seesaw _wildly_ between tone shifts lol
> 
> this might end up being one of Those chatfics which i somehow have pages and pages of content for lmao... we'll see.


	9. cascade!Gamzee / Kemono Jihen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Homestuck/Kemono Jihen)
> 
> Gamzee wakes up in a Tokyo alleyway, with a strange device that disguises them as a human and no clue how they’d gotten there. And also no money.
> 
> After six days of hunger and aimless wandering, they stumble upon the Inugami Detective Office.
> 
> (a crossover with my homestuck si fic, _cascade upside down._ )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just discovered kemono jihen, and... ajdhddn... i love these kids sm,,,, maybe ill write a homestuck crossover with it one day, without self-inserts lmao. for now tho, have a cascade!gamzee crossover. theyre twelve in this.
> 
> *minor edit: i changed the aspects involved in the Mystery Device™ to space, hope, and void, instead of space and mind. just makes more sense now that im being less lazy abt thinking abt it lol

They wake up curled between two dumpsters in the city, with nothing but the meagre contents of their sylladex, something in a ziplock bag stuffed into their pocket, and the thin clothes on their back.

(Their sylladex doesn’t have much. Just their palmhusk, its charger, their strife deck’s clubs and jokerkind knives, a single bottle of Faygo, and a handful of clown horns. _That is quite literally it._ They’re not even wearing a goddamn jacket, just black sweatpants and a loose-fitting black shirt with their sign on the front. Gamzee is honestly lucky they were somehow wearing sneakers and socks when they woke up.)

In the ziplock bag, there’s a strange little device and a folded square of paper with instructions. It claims that the device uses Space, Hope, and Void powers to make them appear human. But it should only change their appearance on the surface, so even if their skin is human-flesh-toned, their blood is still purple if they bleed.

Gamzee squints suspiciously at the thing. They’re still not sure how they got here, or even _where_ ‘here’ is, exactly.

A quick peek past the dumpsters and out of the alleyway they’re in answers the _where_ pretty damn fast.

_There are **humans** out there._

Humans. Actual _human beings._ Human beings that _aren’t supposed to fucking **exist** on Alternia-_

So that’s why they have the disguise device.

They quickly duck back between the dumpsters, suddenly a _lot_ more afraid of being seen.

Humans. In a city. A city full of _humans,_ with no trolls in sight, with not a _hint_ of Alternian architecture and streets full of human cars and too-bright lights and _holy shit this can’t be Alternia._

This- this isn’t Alternia. And... if this isn’t Alternia, then...

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, _fuck._

(They are _so screwed._ )

* * *

After a few days on... in the city (they can’t bring themself to say it aloud, to admit it to themself in anything less than fleeting, dismissive thoughts), there are a few things they have learned.

One: This is Japan. They grew up in America. ( _So you can admit you’re in Japan, but not what planet you’re on? Idiot._ ) This is a problem, though less of one than they had originally thought. It’s mostly just highly inconvenient, insofar as their inability to read any of the signs. They don’t... talk to anyone. Gamzee doesn’t know anyone here, _obviously,_ and they can’t exactly ask for directions to the nearest portal or starship to Alternia.

Two: Humans are more... _judgy_ of how you look. (They mean, it’s _probably_ that.) It might just be that this is apparently Japan, but people keep _looking_ at them. It reminds them of that one time they went out into the nearest city back on Alternia, just past the suburbs they’d met Piumma in; everyone kept _staring,_ and it was only a while after they zipped up their jacket to keep warm that they realized their sign was covered, and no one was eyeing them anymore.

They doubt that humans care about their Capricorn sign, though. Maybe it’s the sweatpants. They might seem lazy or something.

Three: Their horns are the only part of them that is _actually_ Space-ified to fit the model of a human body. Everything else - ears, claws, grubscars and all - is merely an illusion, altering their appearance only _just_ so that they can pass for human. Their ears are still pointed, their ‘fingernails’ still _feel_ like filed-down claws, and their grubscars are exactly the same in all but their now reddish-pink flesh. The ‘hair’ in the space where their horns would be is about as solid as air. Even their ‘nipples’ and ‘belly button’ are all illusion, zero real substance; it’s just flat skin Hope-magicked to look like it has the appropriate human features, and Void-magicked to conceal the visual ‘knowledge’ of what they really look like.

It’s _weird_ to have a human appearance again, but without the actual experience of _being_ human.

And finally, four: They cannot tell their friends what’s going on. _Ever._

If nothing else has yet Doomed their timeline, to tell their friends that they’re in _another fucking universe_ would be the dealbreaker to end all goddamn dealbreakers. They would all be _Doomed._ There’s no going back, after that point, and Gamzee knows it.

( ~~Who are they kidding? It’s been over for a long time, now. This is just the icing on the proverbial goddamn cake.~~ )

* * *

The troll wanders around constantly, hoping to chance upon some money left on the ground. Their palmhusk gets put on the highest power-saving mode that allows them to use Trollian, and is used for nothing but to text their friends.

(They are undeniably, _unfathomably_ grateful for the fact that their Trollian _somehow_ still works, despite their... displacement. Gamzee isn’t sure what they’d do without their friends.)

They sleep curled in secluded corners and crannies, with what little coin they have scrounged up stuffed under the insole of their shoe. Everything else stays in their sylladex. Their sleep comes in fitful handfuls of hours, snatched from the jaws of consciousness when they can find places hidden enough to rest.

(Nightmares are a guarantee, without so much as a sopor-filled throw pillow to soothe their unconscious mind. It’s a good thing they’re a crier, not a screamer.)

This is the longest they’ve ever gone without waking up on Prospit. They hope Kanaya isn’t too worried. (Who are they kidding? She’s probably worrying herself to the Sol and back.) And they _really_ hope she doesn’t ask.

They drink the Faygo bottle dry on day one. That’s just as well, since they couldn’t find any food to eat. Call it prideful - or squeamish - but Gamzee is not resorting to dumpster-diving until they’re _sure_ they can’t get enough by scavenging for coins.

They find a little under 100 yen in change, on the first day. Definitely not enough to buy anything.

On day two, they find that Starbucks cookies are fucking _expensive,_ but considering they’re also getting a fully-charged palmhusk out of it, they say it’s probably worth it. That afternoon, they nibble very slowly on a 222 yen chocolate chip cookie (including tax) as their palmhusk slowly replenishes its battery at a charging station.

The cookie was the cheapest food item on the menu. They aren’t wasting money on drinks; not even coffee.

Since they’d used virtually all their money on the cookie, day three does not yield enough coin for food.

On the fourth day, Gamzee goes to a convenience store and tries to buy two 100 yen onigiri. They fall thirteen yen short of the total cost (216 yen), as they had forgotten that _taxes exist,_ despite the fact that they had definitely thought about it yesterday at Starbucks. Crestfallen, they go to put one back, but the cashier takes pity on them and lets them get away with the price difference. They walk out with empty pockets and two days’ worth of food in their hands.

One onigiri is for today, and another tomorrow, because they know they have to make their food last as long as it can.

They’re _hungry._ They eat their single allotted onigiri in slow, small bites, chewing and savoring each one until it becomes dull mush in their mouth.

Day five: They get lucky and find a 500 yen coin under a vending machine. They eat the second onigiri, then wait until their palmhusk battery dips to 6% the next morning to buy another cookie at Starbucks. (Once more, they thank the gods and all their lucky stars that they had a charging cord in their sylladex.)

On the seventh day, they find almost no coins, which means they have just under 300 yen. Gamzee decides to try to find a different cafe, to see if the prices are better. That evening, they wander into a cafe, the bright sign declaring it as _Monster/s Coffee & Bar & Strange._

* * *

(Eridan’s already come around thrice to their empty hive, citing visitation rights as Gamzee’s friend and a self-assigned duty to make sure they aren’t “wwastin’ awway in your hivve out a _laziness,_ of all thin’s”.

Each time, they lie to him and say they’re busy doing something out of the hive.

They think he’s getting suspicious. Which is reasonable, since he knows them well enough to know they rarely leave their hive more than once a week on a good month.)

* * *

Gamzee examines the sign.

_Monster/s Coffee & Bar & Strange._

“‘And Strange’?” they murmur, squinting at the sign. _Wonder what that means?_

The hours are weird, too. Opens at 5 PM, closes at 1 AM? The 3 AM ‘Requests’ time is confusing, too.

Well. It’s nearly six, so at least the place is open.

A something makes a wooden _clack-clack_ noise as they push the door open. They jump a little, but ultimately ignore it in favor of looking around. Upon entering the cafe-bar, two things become quickly evident.

Firstly, there’s no one inside, not even any staff; only a few dim lights are turned on. Secondly, there’s sound coming from an open door to the side, the bright light from it casting the rest of the mostly shadowed establishment into harsh contrast.

Hesitantly, they approach the doorway, peering into the next room. The first things to catch their eye are the colorful couch and couch-chair, decorated in squares of white and pastel. The cozy little room is also furnished with an office desk, which is mock-messily covered with assorted objects. Lockers and a bookshelf are lined against the left wall. From what they can see, there’s probably a table in front of the couch, too.

It’s a bit crowded, really. The room feels a little too full. (And... lived-in. Homely, even.)

There’s no one in the room; the voices and noises are coming from a room to the right, separated from this one by a divider on wheels.

They feel like they’re intruding.

Just as they decide to quietly leave, though, a tall man walks in. Long, bushy hair in dirty blonde is their first impression of him. _Pretty buff_ is their second, and that’s when he notices them.

They freeze on the spot, their back foot only halfway flattened to the floor. Slowly, they blink at him, starting to become self-conscious of their rather greasy hair and dirty, days-old clothes.

“Ah, welcome,” he says pleasantly, barely even batting an eye. “This is the Inugami Detective Office. Is there anything you need help with, kid?”

They stare at him for a couple more seconds, processing the information.

They’d... understood most of that. Huh. Bless all their years of watching anime. The only thing they aren’t sure of is the meaning of “Inugami”.

Gamzee shakes their head. “No,” they mumble, in Japanese. “Nothing. Just- I saw the sign. Cafe?”

“You came here for the cafe, then,” he says, and they nod. “Sorry, the cafe isn’t actually open. We don’t use it much, it’s just the entrance to our office.”

The cafe isn’t in business, they conclude. _Damn it._ “Oh.”

“Yeah, sorry about that,” he says apologetically. “I can still get you a drink, if you want. How about juice?”

They give a small smile of appreciation, scratching the back of their neck nervously. “No, it’s okay. Sorry, I’ll- leave now?”

“Are you sure? We’re about to have dinner, you can stay,” the man offers.

After the question, they mostly only caught “we,” “dinner now,” and “you here okay”.

...Is he offering to _feed them???_

“...Sorry. I don’t speak Japanese good,” they admit, ducking their head a little. “English.”

“Is that so? You actually speak Japanese pretty well.”

“Ah- thank you,” they murmur.

“Well- I can speak some English,” he says, switching to said language after the first word. They blink in surprise as he continues. “Do you want to eat with us? We never finish all the pizza. There is a lot.”

Gamzee hesitates. “Ah, uhm. Well.”

On one hand... _free FOOD._ They’re fucking _hungry,_ and a few slices of pizza would do them a whole damn _world_ of good right now.

On the other hand... _free_ food. He’s offering them dinner, _for free,_ just because they wandered in thinking this was a cafe. Also, they almost definitely stink. Gamzee is hesitant to stay for long, because it’s _obvious_ this is more than just a workplace; it’s a home, too. That much is evident from the clothes hamper shoved in a corner and a sliver of a kitchen they can see in the other room. And this guy clearly doesn’t live alone, meaning it won’t just be _his_ hospitality they’re intruding on.

“Don’t think too much about it,” he says, snapping them out of their frozen overthinking trance. They look up at him, and he turns back to the other room, gesturing at them to follow. “It’s my treat. You are hungry, yes?”

As he walks away, they are left with no choice but to hesitantly follow.

There are three kids at the table; all of them look to be ‘older’ than Gamzee (so to speak). The ash-haired one asks “Inugami-san” (oh, so that’s the man’s _name?_ ) something along the lines of “the hell is this guy doing here”. Also, something about their smell, they think, as an embarrassed heat rises in their ears and cheeks.

Inugami replies with a somewhat scolding tone. The boy’s name seems to be “Shiki”.

The man convinces them to take a shower before joining the others to eat. Before they know it, Gamzee has somehow been pestered into staying the night.

They don’t think pizza has ever tasted this good, before.

The flannel pants and oversized t-shirt they’ve been lent are clean, and soft. It’s a heavenly experience, after wandering around outside in the same clothes for nearly a week.

(Not counting that cashier, this is the most kindness a stranger has shown them since they met Piumma.)

Kabane, the black-haired boy (with red eyes that suddenly remind them of Karkat), offers them his hammock bed. They try to refuse, but he says that he always sleeps on the floor anyways, because it’s too soft and he’s not used to it.

Reluctantly, they take the hammock bed.

He’s right. It _is_ really soft.

Clean, comfortable, and full, they fall asleep quicker than they have since they’d come to this world.

(They wake up sobbing in the middle of the night, again. If anyone notices, they don’t mention it in the morning.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the reason why inugami let gamzee in so easily is that he could literally _smell_ the inhumanness on them the second he got within range. (they really DO stink, esp to those with better noses.)
> 
> with that, the assumption that they were drawn in by the kemono-attracting cafe sign, and the fact that they LOOK as dirty as they smell, he pretty much instantly comes to the conclusion of "kemono child without a place to stay, definitely needs help".
> 
> (he has canonly committed Accidental Child Acquisition THREE TIMES in a row. i'm just saying.)
> 
> also gamzee is an american idiot who doesn't realize that in japan, all-black clothes is only worn at funerals. that's why people kept looking at them funny lmao


	10. Tsuburaya Mitsuhiko

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Detective Conan)
> 
> There’s a new student barely a month into the first term. His clothes are ridiculously fancy for a _six year-old’s,_ though they’ll give him kudos for style. His glasses are fake as shit, which is obvious after three seconds of observing the lack of distortion in the lenses. His name is Edogawa Conan, and the class laughs at it just as they had Mitushiko’s little slip-up.
> 
>  _What the hell have I gotten myself into,_ they quietly despair, even as they know there is no world in which any of this is their fault.

More than anything else in the world, Mitushiko hates feeling helpless.

But there’s nothing they can do. Even without once seeing Kudou Shinichi in the flesh, they can easily realize that they don’t have a _quarter_ of the wits and smarts he does; nor are they half as brave. When Mitushiko was a younger, naïve and lonelier child, they used to think it was his mental age.

Now, a sixteen year-old in mind and at heart, just the same as Kudo Shinichi, they know better. He’s _nothing_ like them; Shinichi is a cut above all the rest, and there’s no way Mitsuhiko will be anything to him but a hindrance.

It doesn’t change the fact of the matter. The Detective Boys _will_ be running into danger far more often than anyone would like, and Mitsuhiko needs to be prepared for that eventuality. They beg their parents for martial arts lessons at three. With help researching the different styles and a promise that they _will_ keep up with their studies when they start school, they’re signed up for Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu classes within the week. They throw themself into the art, slowly training endurance into their child body in the few years before elementary school begins.

Conan will be in the thick of _everything,_ and _damn them_ if they can’t at least take a bit of the burden of watching the kids off his shoulders.

* * *

“Mitsuhiko-kun?”

“Here,” they diligently call back, then immediately return to zoning out, arms crossed idly upon their desk. They don’t expect anyone to pay much attention to them, in all honesty.

So it’s a surprise, when she starts talking _to Mitsuhiko_ instead of resuming rollcall. “It’s ‘ _hai_ ’,” she corrects, in a tone firm but not without tact. Their hands twitch reflexively at the sudden address. “Next time, speak in Japanese, okay?”

Mitsuhiko decidedly _does not_ externally react to the scattered giggles that break out through the classroom, biting their tongue to control their expression. “ _Hai,_ sensei,” they reply, quickly shutting their mouth again. Willing the embarrassed warmth in their cheeks to disappear, the not-child makes a show of slumping slightly forwards into their folded arms; an attempt at nonchalance, or boredom.

It probably works. Six year-olds aren’t all that consciously perceptive of subtle social cues. They think.

_This sucks,_ they don’t say aloud. _First day of school, and I’ve already made a fool of myself._

Somehow, they doubt that too many kids will be impressed by their fluency in a foreign language.

* * *

There’s a new student barely a month into the first term. His clothes are ridiculously fancy for a _six year-old’s,_ though they’ll give him kudos for style. His glasses are fake as shit, which is obvious after three seconds of observing the lack of distortion in the lenses. His name is Edogawa Conan, and the class laughs at it just as they had Mitushiko’s little slip-up.

That’s not his real name. Mitushiko is well aware of this fact, and that their life is about to get a _lot_ more complicated.

_What the hell have I gotten myself into,_ they quietly despair, even as they know there is no world in which any of this is their fault.

(That doesn’t mean they couldn’t have stopped it, though. It’s just that they had never bothered to _try._ But, well - who would believe them? Even if they _weren’t_ all of six years old, their story is so outrageous they’d either be laughed out of Beika or called insane.)

* * *

Tsuburaya Mitsuhiko is six years old, by means that are wholly natural. They were born, and have lived for a grand total of six years, give a few months.

Tsuburaya Mitsuhiko is six years old.

Their soul, on the other hand, is not.

* * *

“Okay, everyone! What’s one plus one?”

“TWOOOOOO!” the children chorus cheerfully.

“ _Twoooooo,_ ” Mitsuhiko mutters, unenthused as always at relearning _the most basic of maths._ The former high-schooler is barely paying attention to their teacher. Their eyes are on Conan, who... looks _exactly_ how Mitsuhiko feels right now.

_Me too, buddy,_ they think, staring sympathetically at the boy, whose head meets the face of his desk with an inaudible thud. _Me too._

* * *

Mitsuhiko is a child of many secrets.

Their reincarnation is one that goes without saying. It’s an impossible, yet possibly _dangerous_ secret. The wild tales and fanciful beliefs of children are easily brushed aside, and age will only discredit their word further. Most anyone who _does_ believe they truly aren’t lying will instantly mark them as mentally unsound.

As for those very few who _would_ accept the truth... If anyone leaning towards the, ah, _morally compromised_ side of science took an interest in them, well...

Damned if they do, damned if they don’t.

Edogawa Conan, Haibara Ai and Professor Agasa are the _only_ ones they would consider telling, and even that is still up for debate. For the moment, keeping silence on the subject is the smartest course of action.

The child speaks English with far more proficiency and ease than they do Japanese. They write alphabetical letters in the quick strokes of a clearly distinguished style, while their katakana is still hesitant and clunky with inexperience. This is a lot less of a secret, as it is decidedly not life-threatening, and anyways impossible to hide from their parents at this point. But Mitsuhiko isn’t too eager to spread that little factoid around, so they usually keep it to themself.

(Mitsuhiko does not plan on telling anyone that they have never - not once in their twenty-two years of life - been a boy.)

* * *

“Holy _shit,_ ” Mitsuhiko whispers softly. _With very much feeling._

They are instantly glad that Conan is too far away to have heard them, because they can’t help but say it again, this time breathing out the words in greater disbelief. “Holy _fucking shit._ ”

That. Was _fucking terrifying._ Professor Agasa, what the sincere _fuck?!_

Mitsuhiko is very, _very_ glad they weren’t playing soccer today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> poor mitsuhiko wants to help, but they have no idea where to even _start._ they consider themself horribly average, and definitely aren't quite as reckless as shinichi/conan can be. in their mind, that instantly translates to "likely civilian casualty at some point if i don't stay the fuck out of conan's way". (they are ALSO underestimating the value of the information they can provide him. if they could just convince him that they're not delusional... all the things they could let him know of beforehand...)
> 
> AND mitsuhiko forgot to take into account that at this stage, even CONAN doesnt know what the fuck hes doing lmao. rn theyre just kindred sixteen y/o souls stuck in six y/o bodies with the both of them mentally flailing abt with NO idea how to Do Life whilst acting as a convincing enough child in school... (mitsuhiko's family may be used to them, but everyone else is very NOT.)
> 
> they're both bored out of their minds by first-grade education. katakana and hiragana practice are the only things that actually interest mitsuhiko right now, and conan is just BORED AS SHIT. that's probably something they can bond over if mitsuhiko ever tells/convinces conan that reincarnation is real lmao


End file.
